Vihreän Lohikäärmeen Joulukalenteri 2014!

Luukku 21:

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Jos oikein katsoin niin tänään ei kukaan ole vielä laittanut luukkua. Tässä siis olisi yksi lapsuuden suosikkihahmojani.
 
Aatonaaton lukemiseksi katkelmia Antti Pajusen tekstistä Pelastetaan uhanalainen suomenpukki (Maaseudun Tulevaisuus 22.12.2014).

"Naapurin mies kysyi, rupeaisinko heille joulupukiksi. Mikä ettei, sanoin ja aloin pohdiskella sopivia pukintamineita. Kaivoin esiin vanha lammasturkin, joka on jo pitkään roikkunut ullakolla toimettomana. Rautakaupasta hain putkimiehen hamppua ja olen siitä sommitellut itselleni näyttävää partavärkkiä. Siinä toimessa on tullut pohdiskeltua joulupukin kulttuurievoluutiota."

"Joulupukista on maailmalla kirjava joukko erilaisia mutaatioita. Kaikki uskonnolliset ja poliittiset aatteet ovat muokanneet sitä omien tarpeidensa mukaisesti. Nykypiltit luulevat, että se oikea aito joulupukki on amerikkalainen Disney-pukki, jolla on ylirehevä luonnottomaksi valkaistu partakuontalo.

Amerikan pukin paksusta hilehahmosta uhkaa tulla kansainvälinen pukkistandardi. Kaupallisuuden ja markkinavoimien tukema amerikanpukki on vieraslaji, joka leviää Suomessakin ja uhkaa syrjäyttää suomalaisen maatiaispukin, sen, jolla nurin käännetty lammasturkki, vaarin pieksut ja ylivuotinen joulukuusen runko sauvanaan.
Suomenpukki ei ole harmiton pullea veitikka. Sen jörö luonne ja nukkavieru olomuoto tekee siitä amerikanpukkia särmikkäämmän.

Minä ainakin aion esiintyä suomenpukkina ja teen osuuteni pelastaakseni uhanalaisen maatiaispukin sukupuutolta."
 
Näin aatoksi minulla on taas tarina. Tällä kertaa hieman ficin puolelle kallsituva. Pahoittelut mahdollisista kielivirheistä ja kaksiosaisuudesta. Liian pitkä teksti.


A long time ago, in a galaxi far far Harad, there was a young Padawan looking forward to become an Elven Jedi. His name was Legoluke. Currently he was under training of a famous Master Jedi, Goda, who had a slight personal disorder and wanted sometimes to be called Yollum.

For several years Goda kept Legoluke under extremely hard and difficult physical, mental and intellectual training, including not only skiing in swamps, playing chess and running up and down the stairs listening to “Gonna fly now”, but also doing good deeds and performing acts of kindness. During that period of time he also learnt to master various kind of weapons, like elven light bow and arrows, elven light blades, and the most powerful of all, the power of mind and knowledge.

When the dawn of the last day of Legoluke’s training montage broke, he thought he was supposed to complete some ultimate test of heroism. But it wasn’t so. Instead Yollum came to him and said:
“We arrre now very close to be a trrrue Elven Jedi, aren’t we, my Padawan. But we have still one moorre piece of knowledge to learn to be able to completely control our powers, yess my Padawan.”
“What is that, master?” asked Legoluke eagerly
“42”
“What about 42?”
“That is the piecce of knowledge we just talked about, my Padawan. Now we arre an Elven Jedi, yess we arre, my Padawan. Good luck to us all, what ever paths we may take.”

Legoluke had decided witch path to take long ago. He was an orphan, for the forces of evil had attacked his village when he was but a child, and his parents had been slain. That day he decided to revenge for his parents and some day destroy the forces of evil, and that was the main reason he had decided to become an Elven Jedi.

Now that he had finished his training he headed back to his hometown to find out more about his enemy. There he met old and poor man, who had fought against the darkness himself, but hadn’t been able to prevail, and now had to live quietly and hiding from the enemy. He was Qui Gan Dalf, once famous jedi himself, but grown old long since and his physical abilities were no match for the forces of darkness. But there lay a great wisdom in him.

From Qui Gan Dalf, Legoluke learnt a great deal about the enemy. First of all, he was not facing some abstract evil atmosphere spread among the people, but very a dangerous and powerful character called the Darth Lord Thrauder. Goda hadn’t told him anything about the darkness spreading in far Harad, for Yollum was a pacifist and considered the Elven Jediness to be an art and important and beautiful in itself, not a tool in perceiving one’s own ambitions.

The elder Jedi told Legoluke, what kind of warriors, weapons and war machines the Darth Lord had in its use and what kind of strategies they used in different battle conditions. And the one thing Legoluke had waited for so long to hear, was the location Thrauder kept his quarters, the Moth Star.

And as the name of the place suggests, it was swarming with moths, who were the most significant servants of the Darth Lord. There were Moth Star Troopers, Uruk Moths and plenty more, all having their places in the society fo evil.

After countless days of wandering Legoluke met a funny character, who would ruin the possible films made based on this story, Jar Jar Binks. He was not bad, nor good, and he has a great part to play yet in this story.

Jar Jar Binks had once had the knowledge about 42, but forgotten it since and was now trying to get it back for all costs.

Jar Jar remembered it like yesterday; it was his birthday and he was celebrating it on a dinner with his best friend. After few glasses of most extraordinary red wine, his friend said he knew the greatest secret there is, though he really knew no secret at all. Jar Jar commanded his friend to tell it to him. His friend refused.
“I command you! Tell it to me, as a birthday present!”
“I already gave you a present.”
Jar Jar asked many times, but his friend couldn’t tell it, of course, because, as was already said, he didn’t know it. Suddenly Jar Jar became furious and started to strangle his friend and shouted:
“How many times I have to ask this: Tell me the secret!”
“42” whispered his friend, for it was true. He had counted the times Jar Jar had asked the question.

Jar Jar Binks’ friend died in that incident, and there was not a day Jar Jar didn’t mourn his death. But Jar Jar had got his secret.

Now, this weird fellow noticed right away that Legoluke was an Elven Jedi, and that he could get back the information he wanted and had forgotten. So he offered to help Legoluke in order to some day reclaim the great piece of knowledge he once had known.

Legoluke and Jar Jar Binks started towards the Moth Star, for Jar Jar had a clear vision of the route there. They walked over hill and under tree and at last they came to the edge of a forest. There, under a tall oak, Legoluke saw something wrapped in linen cloth.

It was a baby. He went to a baby and then Legoluke said: “whou left u her lil wan?”

Then the baby just cried and then Legoluke picked her up and then the baby stopped crying. And then Legoluke said: “ur neame iz gnoig 2b Leia.”

Meanwhile, the Darth Lord made his evil plans.

Twenty years later Leia grew up and was kidnapped by some people. Leia was tortured.

Meanwhile, Legoluke decided to rescue Leia.

Meanwhile, the Darth Lord continued making his evil plans.

Then Legoluke saved Leia and said: “They tortured you and gave you posion.”
“Yes, how did you know that?”
“They did the same thing to me when I was your age.”

And then Legoluke and Leia fell in love with each other and got married.
 
After many thrilling adventures with Leia, in which Legoluke did such heroic acts that he got an additional name: Kala, Legoluke decided to continue his original quest to destroy the very core of all evil. But first Legoluke had to eat properly, for during the marriage with Leia, he was introduced to a burrahobbit called Bilbo, who was most respectful individual of his race, and who taught to Legoluke, that one should never leave one’s home with empty stomach. Also, ever since Legoluke had made friends with Bilbo, Legoluke had lost a significant amount of money, and for some unknown reason he felt like, every now and then, someone invisible was picking his pockets.

Anyway, Legoluke and Jar Jar Binks once again began their journey towards the Moth Star. The only way to the Moth Star was a narrow Bridge. Kala Legoluke and Jar Jar arrived to the bridge. On it waited Sher Khan, the first moth general of the Darth Lord. He shouted:

“Greetings Kala Legoluke. We have heard of your coming. The only way to the Darth Lord goes here and you won’t get over the bridge unless you kill hundred of our best warriors single-handed.“

“Well, that is what I shall do then”, answered Legoluke and immediately attacked with Splash, which really caught his enemies unaware and had no effect.

Kala Legoluke eliminated his first enemy with a Low Kick, and Sher Khan started counting: “One!”

Legoluke attacked fiercely with his Elven Light Blades, and no opponent could withstand him. He stabbed one on his left, and then sliced few on his right-hand side.

“Seven!” counted Sher Khan.

After about an hour of fighting and a dozen of enemies later the flow of opponents started to feel overwhelming to Legoluke. But as I said Legoluke had learn to master various fighting technique and now he decided to use Kaio Ken-technique to raise his powerlevel on to a hole new sphere.

“Fortytwo!”

But that was very tiring technique and after dealing with the situation so that it wasn’t as bad anymore, he had to stop. But now the enemies started once again to get too close.

Then Legoluke did very a risky move and used Rest. But that got the moth warriors a bit uneasy and they didn’t attack in fear of some trick. But that was a mistake, for Rest in itself was the trick and when Kala Legoluke woke up, he felt more energetic than ever, and started swinging his blades once again.

“56!”
“74!”
“83!”
“98!”

And as the head of the 99th enemy was falling to the ground, the Moth General Sher Khan stepped forward and said “99. And the last one you’ll be facing is me.”

Then Legoluke shouted ”I shall now pass!” and right away finished Sher Khan, shooting him right between the eyes with a light arrow.

Legoluke looked up to the sky. Something was moving there.

“Oh! Eärendil has changed his boat to a sleigh, pulled by antlered horses. And I never knew, Silmaril could glow red.”

Finally, after beating every enemy between him and his archenemy, Legoluke was standing at the door to the Dart Lord’s chambers. But there was an enchantment on the door, and the door could only be opened by a certain spell. On the door was painted with blood: “Speak the answer and enter”. Legoluke tried everything he knew, but nothing opened the door. Could it be so that the enchanted door took away the long desired vengeance from Legoluke?

Then Jar Jar saw that his moment has come. He just popped the question like he didn’t have any own ambitions about it: “What is the greatest piece of knowledge you bear in the back of your brain?”

“42”

Jar Jar stared jumping in joy, forgetting they were still on the cliff, and fell.

The door opened.

“Who enters my domain?” asked the Darth Lord Thrauder
"I am called Kala Legoluke, and I will destroy you", said Legoluke
"Legoluke, I am your father”
"NOO!!!"
"Such is the nature of evil - all foul things come forth."

Legoluke crumbled down to the floor.

“I know I haven’t been part of your life the way I should have,” said his father, “But it’s Christmas! Please join our party, Santa should be coming any minute now, and I think you’ve been a very good boy. Maybe you’ll get a present!”

“You think so?” Tears in his eyes, Legoluke looked up at his father.
“Of course.”

Then Legoluke and the Darth Lord Thrauder ate like hobbits and played and sung around the Christmas tree. During those Christmas holidays, Legoluke melted his father’s liquid oxygen cold heart, and Thrauder turned his back to the darkness. So was the universe saved from all the evil that existed.

Hyvää Joulua Konnulle ja sen väelle!
 
Joidenkin iloksi ja toisten ärsytykseksi heitän taas jo melkein perinteeksi nousseeseen luukkuuni Haltin pojat.
Nyyh :( Olisin halunnut pitkästä aikaa katsella Haltin pojat, mutta video on poistunut. Onkohan kenelläkään tätä tallessa missään?
 
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